but you just cry

2017. "Where are you movin? I said, onto better things."  & it´s now May. Almost five months has passed already of this year. We are soon halfway through. I began this year with high hopes with my sight fixed on the sky. No where less than there I thought. Glory to Glory. Higher and Higher. I remembered the words "head in heaven but feet on the ground" that were written about me from my class when I was about to graduate. That was me. 
It´s been a good begining. In some ways I could feel like I´ve failed in areas. That I made decisions that I shouldn´t have made. That I wasn´t wise enough. But I don´t feel that way. Even though I knew deep inside the outcome of some things I chose to believe and hope for the best but it ended up the way I "predicted" & I ended up even more hurt. But I don´t regret it. I´ve learnt so much these past 5 months. I´ve let things take a bigger part of me and my life that I shouldn´t have. But I regret nothing. Because thanks to that I am where I am today. I´ve been writing a lot about my feelings. I´ve named them "everything I wanted to say but never did and never will" & when I read them now I don´t relate anymore. I can honestly say that I never thought that day would come. 
These 5 months had indeed been glory to glory. I´m even more in love with God and with my life than I´ve ever been before. 
I find it intresting to reflect on that in the beginning of the year I didn´t have any expectations on what this year would bring which is not like me but I´ve learnt that even though I can have expectations and ideas on how a year will be it always ends up being nothing like it. So I decided that this year I would expect nothing. But not in a sad, negative way, but more "what come may come" kind of way. & I think that is one of the reasons why I don´t regret anything either. I´m not dissapointed at myself because I wasn´t trying to be something and force myself into it and feel regret if I didn´t match up with the imaginary picture of the reality. Does it make sense? 
When I look back at these 5 months I´m filled with joy and love. It was a tumbling beginning but I am so happy anyway. I am happy because I was me. I let myself be me. 
Just two things that has happened during pt 1 of 2017 is that I moved out (finally) to my own apartment in my dream area of Stockholm & I´ve been the store manager of GUESS retail in Täby for over 2 months. And that´s just two things of what´s easy to mention. But the biggest things are within. Like always. 
May - May, you´ve been a messed up year. Thank you God for carrying me through it all. 
pt 2 of 2017; let´s bring it!
Dear Dairy | | Kommentera

your champion

Jag är en liten flicka. En liten tjej på tjugotvå år. I bought you the sky, and the oceans too. 
Jag känner mig ibland så liten. Och samtidigt är jag nu tjugotvå år gammal. Jag är vuxen nu. Men samtidigt känner jag mig så liten. 
Vad är det här livet? Jag kan ta mig vart jag vill,... bara jag vill. Mitt huvud snurrar. Materialism. Sociala normer. Livets "borde"´n. Livets stig att vandra. Det är som att jag står i skogen och stirrar ut bland träden. Ser hur solens strålar lyser igenom bladen. Hör hur fåglarna sjunger. Tänker att dit vill jag springa. Men jag fortsätter på stigen. Det är ingen stor stig, knappt några har gått där.... och det tröstar jag mig med. Tänker att jag ändå inte är som alla andra... fast om jag kanske bara hade snurrat mig omkring hade jag sett att det var miljontals stigar precis som min bredvid varandra... och jag ville egentligen bara springa tvärs över dom alla... Men mer än så visste jag inte... Jag visste inte vad som skulle ske sen och vad det faktiskt skulle innebära... Bara längtan inom mig... Men var verkligen första steget att springa ut eller skulle ett annat beslut leda till det? 
Jag är tjugotvå år gammal men känner mig så liten. 
Dear Dairy | | Kommentera

I would tell myself

if I got the opportunity to talk to myself & who I was one year ago this is what I would say. 
I would tell myself that I will break, but oh I will also heal.