a fish that learnt to fly

Sometimes you need to write down what's going on in your head and in your emotions. Sometimes you simply just have to because you want to. But it's hard when you can't put everything down to words. When you don't know how to describe everything. 
 
After a time when I've been calm inside-out I'm starting to come back to dreams that I put on hold. I've had a time when my soul has been calm. I'ts funny because it's been during a time when everything around me has been a mess. It's been chaos and stormy like never before but my soul has been calm. Everything within me has been relaxed. I've been feeling peace like never before about what's ahead. And now, a lot of things that I let go and let down is coming back up. And I have mixed feelings about that. I want to understand it. Because I'm starting to come to acceptanse that these things are who I am in a way. But I want to understand why I have these desires in my heart. Not just run with them. Therese before would've started to make plans and have the big question in my head "WHEN am I going? WHERE am I going?" and trying to solve and figure all that out right now. But Therese now don't feel that need or desire. I'm curious and want's to figure out what I need from where I am right now to be ready for what is coming. Even though my heart beats for adventure I have no need of planning for the future because God is already there and so will I in the right time. I don't want to let go of where I am right now. 
 
Or maybe it's because summer is here and every summer my entire life has brought change? And now my heart and soul is set on that change will happen but it actually wont? 
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något av det vackraste jag läst

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but you just cry

 
2017. "Where are you movin? I said, onto better things."  & it´s now May. Almost five months has passed already of this year. We are soon halfway through. I began this year with high hopes with my sight fixed on the sky. No where less than there I thought. Glory to Glory. Higher and Higher. I remembered the words "head in heaven but feet on the ground" that were written about me from my class when I was about to graduate. That was me. 
It´s been a good begining. In some ways I could feel like I´ve failed in areas. That I made decisions that I shouldn´t have made. That I wasn´t wise enough. But I don´t feel that way. Even though I knew deep inside the outcome of some things I chose to believe and hope for the best but it ended up the way I "predicted" & I ended up even more hurt. But I don´t regret it. I´ve learnt so much these past 5 months. I´ve let things take a bigger part of me and my life that I shouldn´t have. But I regret nothing. Because thanks to that I am where I am today. I´ve been writing a lot about my feelings. I´ve named them "everything I wanted to say but never did and never will" & when I read them now I don´t relate anymore. I can honestly say that I never thought that day would come. 
These 5 months had indeed been glory to glory. I´m even more in love with God and with my life than I´ve ever been before. 
 
I find it intresting to reflect on that in the beginning of the year I didn´t have any expectations on what this year would bring which is not like me but I´ve learnt that even though I can have expectations and ideas on how a year will be it always ends up being nothing like it. So I decided that this year I would expect nothing. But not in a sad, negative way, but more "what come may come" kind of way. & I think that is one of the reasons why I don´t regret anything either. I´m not dissapointed at myself because I wasn´t trying to be something and force myself into it and feel regret if I didn´t match up with the imaginary picture of the reality. Does it make sense? 
 
When I look back at these 5 months I´m filled with joy and love. It was a tumbling beginning but I am so happy anyway. I am happy because I was me. I let myself be me. 
 
Just two things that has happened during pt 1 of 2017 is that I moved out (finally) to my own apartment in my dream area of Stockholm & I´ve been the store manager of GUESS retail in Täby for over 2 months. And that´s just two things of what´s easy to mention. But the biggest things are within. Like always. 
 
May - May, you´ve been a messed up year. Thank you God for carrying me through it all. 
 
pt 2 of 2017; let´s bring it!
 
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